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When You’re Feeling Less Than

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You could take hundreds of classes on hundreds of subjects and have so many degrees or certificates and all those pieces of academic recognition…. but you may never learn about yourself.

Over the years, I think I’ve learned a great deal about myself. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and processing on my experiences, on the issues I dealt with as a student and student-leader, and on my personal relationships. You know? But reflecting… and processing… doesn’t necessarily mean figuring myself out. All that thinking about my actions… most of the time it led to overthinking and maybe even overreacting. I don’t know. But even as a college graduate and after 17 years of schooling, maybe we all don’t know that much about ourselves.

Over the past few months… I’ve learned so much more. About myself. I’ve learned and relearned my emotional capacities… I’ve learned and relearned my social capacities. I’ve had to tell myself it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You are okay. And still, time and time again, I seem to take a little hit to my ego, pride, confidence, mostly because I’m stubborn and needy. And I have to tell myself it’s okay to be like that. It’s okay. And I know it’s up to me and my attitude to find the bright side in situations or push me through the day, week, month. But I’ve also come to learn that my closeness with others seriously conflicts and hinders my attitude. Sometimes I wish others would make things better for me. And other times, I know that I have to make things better for myself.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve learned that it all takes time. Art, friendship, work. Life. And I’ve learned to come to terms with that. Greatness doesn’t happen over night. The years, months, and weeks that it takes to an achievement can be extremely transformable. Even though that time makes your restless and insecure, it also makes you stronger and better for what comes next. You know you’re better… but you still have room for improvement. You know you have more to learn.

Post-script to Self and Readers: Yet another reflective piece (and there’s nothing wrong with that). I know that my way of coping and processing is different than others’, but I hope… maybe my writing can help you empathize with yourself (and others).

Turning 22

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21 was an amazing year. This was the year I would reach a handful of feats; including staging my original play, stage managing for the first time, going on an international service trip for the first time, and graduating from college. There were many lessons in personal tribulations, academic foes, and social happenings. I faced a lot of adversity this year in the form of micro aggressions, self-confidence, and emotional turmoil. In the last 12 months, I think I have learned so much about myself and my capacities. I always have to remind myself that I don’t have to be as social or as successful as others (similarly, everyone else doesn’t have to be my kind of social and successful). I’m the kind of person that needs to stop and breathe when there’s too much happening at one time. Once I take that breathe, I find the strength to move forward.

22 is the year I move forward. 🙂 This is the year I will reach a few more feats, learn a few more lessons, and face a little more adversity. 🙂 This is the year I become a little more of who I’m meant to be. I can’t wait. 🙂

Here are some things I’d like to do before I turn 23:

  1. Plan an international trip
  2. Visit a new city
  3. Bake more cookies
  4. Read more!
  5. Take better conscious care of my body
  6. Write plays (3)

2015 in Review

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  1. learned a lot about privilege
  2. learned a lot about how my past affects my everyday
  3. learned a lot about people
  1. stretched my heart like taffy for my organization
  2. staged my heart for an audience
  3. strung my heart on the line for myself
  1. a winter of heads held high
  2. a spring of finding edges to sharpen–and to cut
  3. a summer of stuttering and shimmering
  4. a fall of realization, sacrifice, and humility
  1. the time to shine is subjective
  2. BE YOU
  3. pay attention to those who pay you attention
  1. growing up is hard to do
  2. treating yourself (taking care of yourself) is important
  3. do what you need to do

Overall, it’s been a great year. A year of so much growth; personally, academically, and professionally. I’m thankful for all the good times and everyone who spent them with me. To the trying times, thanks to you too–for pushpushpushing me.

Here’s to 2016.

Things I Learned About Relationships This Year

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(*Note: Relationships can mean romantic, friendly, familial, or professional.)

  1. As much as listening is important, it’s only good if the other person shares.
  2. “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”–Martin Luther King, Jr.
  3. (Cliche but) The people who want to be in your life will make an effort to do so.
  4. Even if you go days/weeks/months without talking to a friend, what might be most important is if you can start right where you left off.

I think I learned a lot about what I want, need, and expect out of relationships. But I think I learned a lot about what others mind need from me, too. Sometimes those things align and sometimes they don’t. It really depends on the people involved. I will say though–

Surround yourself with people who want to be surrounded by you as well.

Internship Lessons

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Last month, I had the pleasure and privilege of interning at an awesome theatre company in San Francisco. It was seven weeks of ups and downs, but it was a learning experience and for that I’m grateful!

Here are Three Things I Learned:

  1. Sometimes, you are just the intern. You will have to ask questions. You will be challenged. You will screw up. And you just have to deal with it. This is hard at first, because you may want so badly to take on the world (in terms of the internship), but you can’t do anything without approval first. Other times, it’s not so bad because that means less responsibility (It also means ice cream, meals, and reusable water bottles all for freeee!). You will move up the ladder!
  2. Your worth as a worker is valuable no matter what. You might be an unpaid intern, but you are still a human. Everyone is. Your time and effort is worth something always. You are doing these people a huge favor just by volunteering your time to them, so make sure you are gaining something in return. Don’t let an intimidating work environment stop you from learning.
  3. Theatre is hellish, but it is also wonderful. Professional theatre is just as (if not more) insane as theatre done in school. After last-minute planning, doing, and stressing, at the end of the day, the production was a huge success! Theatre requires a certain level of insanity and on-the-flyness. It is not for the easily discouraged. It is challenging, but it is worth it! The pay-off is so so so wonderful.

Even though it was seven weeks of seriously not-fun commuting from the South Bay to SF and crazy officeness, I grew more into my niche as a theatre-maker. I was able to be the production assistant for an awesome play-in-development, meet the future of theatre in the form of my fellow interns and great playwrights, and learn more about production. I’m so grateful. And I’m also exhausted.